This post comes with a lot of frustration at myself for not recognizing how I feel in the present, and always having to see the truth in hindsight. 

As many of you know, I've come outside and played for my neighbors on my front porch a handful of times, going live on Facebook or Instagram when I do so. That way, my family can see me play from miles and miles away. Also of course whoever else is interested but can't be physically present. 

At first I was excited by the positive response I was getting. 

I…

I feel as though I’ve become increasingly introverted as of late. 

I want to blame it on my practice, and that I’ve been dedicating a non-trivial amount of time toward getting better. I know deep down that that cannot be the only thing. 

I want to blame it on growing older. In growing more in tune with myself, I recognize the things I need to feel ready to enter the world. I’ve never needed to validate my lifestyle by going out, but It’s not just the time I spend at home that has me thinking; it’s more so…

I remember once hanging with a friend of mine (who I considered a friend, although I never quite knew if we perceived the relationship the same way). She was an actor, and was having a conversation with another friend about her craft and a role she was preparing for. 

The friend whom she spoke with was a creative writer, and the rest of us were varying degrees of engineers and computer scientists. I thought their conversation was interesting and I wanted to join in. Before I could really say much, she…

I thought I hated CMU (my alma matter) when I went there. 

I thought that the STEM students were more robotic than the robots they’d build. I resented this. 

I thought the programs within the institution were part of an assembly line to mass produce [high quality] people who’d end up paid super well working as a cog in a bigger machine. I resented this. 

I thought that all of the students were so dead set on having the right answers that they never thought about what it meant to take the test in the…